To the Friend I Lost

Dear friend,

I had a dream about you last night. Honestly, it took me by surprise, because I haven’t thought much about you in months. It used to hurt when you came to mind. You were a sister to me, and suddenly, our friendship just stopped. I grieved your loss like a death.

But when I woke up today, there was no pain, just concern for you. It was one of those night-visions that seems too realistic to not have truth in it. I know you are probably doing well and are undisturbed by the distress “dream you” was in last night. Regardless, the first thing I did this morning was to pray for you. Wherever you are, whatever you are doing, I asked God to bless you and your family.

C.S. Lewis describes friends as people who stand side by side, looking toward the same purpose. Reflecting on our friendship now, I realize that the purpose of our relationship never moved past the superficial. We enjoyed being silly together, eating the same kinds of food, and studying together. But we never went deep together. Our joint vision was not of eternal things. Perhaps that is why I lost you.

I see now that the shallowness of our friendship was my fault. In many ways, I set the tone of our interactions, and if I had truly wanted it, we could have had a better foundation. If I could do it over again, I would talk with you more about Jesus. I admit that He was a stranger to our conversations.

I pray that the smiling people in your online pictures help you grow in Jesus more than I ever did. I have blamed our broken friendship on them and on you. But I recognize now that had a role to play.

Though I cannot do our history over, by the grace of God, I can move forward. Like you, I have new friends. With the Lord’s help, I am trying to go deeper with them. I think they would agree: Christ is recognized and present when we are together. These are the people who help me love Him more and ask hard questions. I wish I had been that friend to you.

I thank Him for the time I knew you. Though that time could have been spent better, I know in God’s plan, none of it was wasted. He redeems the years the locusts stole. Thank you for fun times. The memories are beautiful. But more importantly, thank you for leaving me behind. It is teaching me how to be a more loving friend.

Your sister in Christ forever,
Hayley